What Every Relapse Has in Common
When people talk about relapse, they often mean very different things. Search online and you’ll see “relapse” applied to everything from using after twenty years sober to breaking a month(s)-long streak of abstinence. In reality, these are probably two very different situations, and only one of them may properly be called relapse.
We often hear the slogan “relapse is part of recovery,” but this is misleading. Relapse is the antithesis of recovery, and believing otherwise plays into the same dishonest thinking that fueled our addiction in the first place.
Most of what gets labeled relapse is really just the end of a dry spell; the person was never recovered to begin with. They may have stopped drinking or using for a while, but the obsession was never removed, and they were not living by the spiritual principles that make sobriety and its blessings possible.
Until true recovery happens, the addict is a sitting duck, simply waiting for some trivial circumstance to justify doing what they were already inclined to do. The list of excuses is endless: peer pressure, boredom, fatigue, an argument, skipping meals, a little extra money, a bad night’s sleep, nearly anything captured by the acronym HALT. To name a few. These are transient conditions, nothing more than paper-thin rationalizations.
Likewise, the newcomer who thinks that simply quitting drinking or drugging will solve all their problems is in for a rude awakening. In practice, quitting often makes life’s problems more poignantly visible, because alcohol and drugs were how we coped with a maladjusted life. Using was only a symptom of a deeper malady. Left unaddressed, that malady will inevitably drive us back to substance use.
The Big Book describes it this way:
“The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove.”
Unless recovery has taken place, simply quitting creates a no-win scenario. When life is unbearable, there will always be some insane excuse or “threadbare idea” that seems plausible enough to justify the first drink or drug.
That’s why we have the Twelve Steps, clear-cut directions laid out in the Big Book for living a spiritually grounded life. They move us from maladjustment and self-will into a life with hope, purpose, and meaning. The Steps not only guide us into a happy and worthwhile existence, they also form our defense against the first drink or drug. This defense cannot come from another person; it is given by God when we maintain a fit spiritual condition, and maintaining that condition is never burdensome.
Understood properly, relapse can only happen to someone who has recovered. When such a person drinks or uses again, it is never because of a bad day, bad news, or an uncomfortable feeling. Those are surface conditions. The real reason for relapse is always the same: they have stopped following the clear-cut directions of the Twelve Step program, abandoned God-reliance, and returned to self-will.
The Big Book puts it plainly:
“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot…. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us. God makes that possible. …We had to have God’s help.”
When a recovered person shifts back into self-will, relapse has already begun in the heart and mind, whether or not they have picked up. The old friction with the world returns. Restlessness, irritability, and discontent begin running the show. In that condition, the obsession can descend suddenly and without warning, and their return to drinking or drugging is only a matter of time.
There are three high-risk circumstances under which a recovered person is most vulnerable to that shift from God-reliance to self-reliance. These are not the transient conditions of HALT; they are structural changes that can shake the foundation of recovery if not met with deliberate spiritual action to maintain reliance upon God.
The first involves events that substantially upend daily life, such as moving to a new city, changing careers, retiring, losing a loved one, or facing serious illness. In these moments, the person finds themselves in a liminal space, unaware of how much their recovery footing may have shifted. Recovery should never depend on people, places, or routines, but major life disruptions often reveal such hidden weaknesses. If old routines vanish and we do not consciously and actively follow the Big Book’s directions to maintain our spiritual health, we risk slipping into self-reliance and inevitable failure.
The second is a loss of connection to God and doing His will. This may follow spiritual disillusionment after tragedy or unanswered prayer, or it may come from stepping back from service roles or sponsorship without replacing them. Without entrusting ourselves to God’s care or keeping a clear purpose in serving others, the Steps begin to lose meaning. Even daily inventory can feel optional. If we cannot remember the last time we sincerely sought God’s will or directly helped another alcoholic or addict, trouble is already brewing.
The third is the illusion of self-sufficiency, believing that life can now be managed without relying on God. We think, “I have been sober for years. Surely I can do this on my own now.” Such thinking may follow a financial windfall, career success, public recognition, or simply a comfortable life. This is a true red flag moment, as is thinking that our recovery can slide from top priority to a backup plan, or that it is no longer essential. Once God and the Steps become insurance instead of our daily operating instructions, we are already heading for disaster.
While these circumstances do not cause relapse by themselves, they create the conditions where self-reliance can creep in and God-reliance can fade. If that shift is not corrected, we are running on our own power, and self-imposed abstinence never ends well!
Relapse is not random then. And it always has the same root cause: a shift from God-reliance to self-reliance. The conditions may take different forms, but they all share this in common: they distract us from daily spiritual living and dull our dependence on God.
As the Big Book says:
“What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee — Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts which must go with us constantly.”
There is no such thing as “I’ve got this now.” We must guard our daily reliance on God as if our lives depend on it, because they do.